Imprinting
by Gnome de plum
Summary: What happens when Jacob Black imprints with a rather...unlikely candidate? Inspired by a moment of insanity, and the voices in my head. ONESHOT


DISCLAIMER: I do not own Carlisle, Jacob, Bella, or Edward, much as I would love to. They belong to Stephenie Meyer. Unfortunately. xD

A/N This was born in a temporary moment of insanity. Consequently, it doesn't make much sense, and follows no known rules of logic.

Some of the references used in this story are disclaimer'd at the end. So don't pick up your pitchforks yet.

And now, without further ado, I present:

Imprinting

"Jacob Black imprinted yesterday"

Bella jerked awake. "What?"

"The dog imprinted", repeated Edward, a happy glow suffusing his angelic features, "With Emily Dogood from over Skund Way"

"No way!" exclaimed Bella. "_This _I gotta see."

She ran outside, snapped her fingers to summon her hoverboard, and was gone in an instant. Edward stood watching her from the doorway, leaning elegantly against the frame, hands folded across his chest, an amused smile tilting his lips.

A minute later, Bella came zooming back up the graveled garden path, and was up the stairs become the hoverboard had time to come to a complete stop. She changed hurriedly into the clothes Edward had thoughtfully laid out for her, and ran back downstairs to find Edward already in his hovercar, all revved up and ready to go.

"Get in.", said Edward, leaning over to open the passenger door, a sanctimonious smile still tugging at his lips. Bella did as she was told, a little sulky about being treated like a precocious three year old. But this was more important.

No sooner had they arrived at the imposing Black family mansion at the cliff than Bella burst through the wrought-iron gate (the gateposts of which were topped by – what else? – wolves) and ran up the long, tree lined avenue. It was only after she pulled the old-fashioned bell-pull that she leaned over to ease the stitch in her side.

The door was opened with noiseless efficiency by Carlisle, the butler.

"Hello Carlisle is Jacob home?" gasped Bella.

"He's in the backyard, feeding the chickens, Miss Swan". the man's austere façade crinkled in distaste.

Bella ran to the backyard, to the wire-enclosed chicken run, and paused for a moment to catch her breath. She was getting _really _out of shape. Perhaps her transformation into a vampire would help.

Jacob had heard her approach, and was unfolding his tall frame awkwardly from where he was kneeling by a large brown hen.

"Edward…told me you imprinted."

Jacob threw back his head and laughed a great roaring laugh that filled the clearing. When he spoke again, his voice was bitter.

"Oh, he loves that, doesn't he? The evil bloodsucking leech"

Bella was confused.

"But...he said…Emily?" Bella voice was hesitant, her joy slowly replaced by doubt.

Jacob gestured toward the large brown hen, now pecking at his ankles, with a flourish.

"Bells, meet Emily Dogood"

Bella looked from the boy to the hen in mounting incomprehension.

"You imprinted with a HEN?" The last word was a screech, Emily had decided that she rather liked Bella's rounded pink toes, and was pecking gently at them.

Jacob looked uncomfortable, cheeks turning pink under the russet overtone.

"Well, it can happen at any time, with _anyone_. I did tell you that, Bells. And besides, I'm a wolf, and she's a hen. It's not that different from Edward and you, really"

"Jake, this isn't funny", admonished Bella, her hands on her hips. "If you're punishing me…"

Jacob interrupted her. "Bella, I swear I'm not lying. The bloodsucker probably heard it from the pack mind. Heaven knows we can't lie to _him" _

Bella looked down with fresh horror at the plump brown hen, now rubbing enthusiastically against Jacob's ankles. It was really quite an attractive bird, with a rich, golden brown plumage, scattered with clumps of cream feathers.

Bella shook her head, and said helplessly,

"But…it's a _hen_"

Then other details of her rather strange day began to register in her overwrought mind. What WAS a hoverboard, anyway? When did _Carlisle _become a _butler?_

Since when did the Blacks live in a mansion? _Where_ was Skund Way? And _why_, most importantly, was Edward blond?

She raised her head, as a sudden realization hit her.

"I know what's going on here!"

And she woke up.

Edward shifted in the rocking chair, his auburn hair catching the faint glow from the porch light.

"What's wrong, Bella, love?" he asked, concerned.

Bella tried to pull herself together and regulate her breathing before she replied,

"Oh, nothing. It was just a bad dream."

Edward smiled broadly, his perfect features attaining unbearable beauty.

"Well, as long as you're awake, I might as well tell you the good news."

Bella looked at him, curious.

"What?"

"Jacob Black imprinted."

End

A/N I don't particularly care if you don't review this, because I am currently a small blue water balloon. But it really is a rather simple thing to do, isn't it? Pressing the teeny review button at the bottom of the screen? Just a thought.

DISCLAIMERS: As promised. Hoverboards/cars are from Scott Westerfield's brilliant Uglies series. And Skund Way is a place in Terry Pratchett's head. It's on the discworld.

Emily Dogood and the chocolate chip cookies are MINE, all mine!

Mwahahahahahaaaa

Gnomedeplum

16-01-2008


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